Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Environmental Sleazagradation in Italy

Apparently authorities in central Italy, quite literally, can’t see the prostitutes for the trees—which is why they’ve come up with a controversial strategy for battling their sex trade woes: Deforestation. The Bonifica del Tronto road in the Abruzzo region of the country has long been a hotbed of hookers, and police have tried just about everything to handle the problem—security cameras, raids, 24-hour patrols, fines. However nothing has been successful in curbing the activities of the some 600 Nigerian, Romanian, Brazilian, Albanian and Chinese prostitutes that regularly work the area.

Subsequently, the frustrated regional government’s public works chief, Angelo Di Paolo, has decided to go all Paul Bunyan on their asses. He is currently cooperating with provincial and municipal representatives to cut down all of the trees and vegetation along and around the banks of the river Tronto, where prostitutes solicit and service clientele. Not surprisingly, when several environmental groups got wind of the plan, they promptly got their panties all in a bunch, since this course of action would mean the destruction of 69 acres of woodland. According to an article in the UK Guardian, representatives from the incensed environmental agencies issued a statement in which they argue that the only crime the about-to-be-murdered trees have committed is to “offer with their fronds, shelter and intimacy to sex slaves.”

Okay, fair enough. But do sex slaves really want shelter and intimacy? Probably not. In fact, they more likely want to make a beeline for the great wide open so they can escape intimacy at all costs. We’re not saying cutting down all those trees is a good idea, but the environmental agencies probably could have phrased that particular argument a little better. Rather than leveling an entire forest, we think the central Italian police force should perhaps consider, oh, we don’t know…. maybe just trying harder? Is it really that difficult to lay down the law when you’ve got surveillance cameras and 24-hour patrols? Call in for reinforcements if necessary. Prostitutes have enough to contend with already—no need to pin the destruction of Mother Nature on them as well.

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