Monday, September 6, 2010

Breast tales

Hooters Are Getting Huger

A few years ago some UK researchers turned to the world and said "We have good news and we have better news". The good news was that someone actually gave them money to study boob sizes around the world. The better news was that their findings showed that, worldwide, breasts are getting bigger and bigger.


Just in the UK alone, the average bra size had gone up from 34B to a way juicier 36C. As for the rest of the world, breast sizes had been continuously going up for the last 10-15 years, averaging now almost an entire cup bigger than just a decade ago. If this trend continues, someday we might actually need an M-cup bra size.

Plastic surgeries must have some part in this, but diet and lifestyles cannot be ignored. We definitely eat more and exercise less now, and all that fat has to go somewhere – the fact that it seems to be going mainly to breasts is the best evidence that God exists and that he loves us.


There Do Exist Women with Three Breasts

A big part of any boy's life is catching the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie "Total Recall" one night after his parents went to sleep and witnessing that scene with the 3-breasted alien hooker. For many of us that has been a defining moment of our childhoods, the start of a journey to find a girl with 3 fun-bags on her chest. Sadly, we later realized that they just don't exist…

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Or so we thought. Thanks to a wondrous example of life imitating art it turns out that some women can have 3 breasts. The medical condition is called "polymastia" or "supernumerary breasts" and works just like the superfluous nipple bit. Some supernumerary breasts (see, even science knows that those are "super"!) might not even make their presence known until puberty, that special time when a polymastic girl first starts to resemble a prostitute from a cheesy Sci-Fi movie.

Location wise, polymastia can manifest itself virtually anywhere on the front of the body, hopefully somewhere between the first and second boob. So that's one accurate prediction "Total Recall" has made. Now, where are our virtual reality machines?

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Breast Implants Can Save Your Life

The comparison of boobies to automobile airbags is as old as breast fascination itself. Cavemen probably made that joke in their cave drawings. But it turns out it might not just be sexism on the men's part, because in at least one documented case, a woman's life was saved in car crash when her silicone augmented breasts acted as airbags-like cushioning devices.

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In 2006 a women from the Bulgarian city of Ruse was in a pretty horrific car accidents that left both cars totaled. She and the other driver survived but in her case it was thanks solely to those bigger plastic tits which took upon themselves the force of the impact, rupturing right there on the spot and leaving the women alive, though heavily deflated.

If it wasn't for them, the woman might have hit the steering wheel full on, damaging her internal organs and maybe even banging up her heart a little. This is an obvious sign that Evolution wants our women to have bigger knockers. Maybe later down the line car companies will get rid of airbags altogether and simply offer free boob jobs to female drivers with each purchase.

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Small Knockers Almost Got Vietnamese Bikers Banned From the Roads

In 2008 the Vietnamese government was seriously considering banning all females whose chests measured less than 28 inches from riding their motorbikes on public roads. Allegedly this was a bid from the Ministry of Health aimed at making sure that the people behind the handlebars remain healthy, but it's quite obvious that they were just trying to pressure the women into getting boob jobs.

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If you have ever interacted with a Vietnamese person or saw one of those oriental X-rated movies on the adult You Tubes that everybody's talking about, then you know that eastern Asian females don't really carry around a pair of huge portable airbags on their chests. In that region small breasts are not the sign of sickness, they are the sign of (a little bit depressing and flat) normality, and it almost cost thousands of ladies the use of their Vespas.

In 2009 however, the proponents of this bill finally got smacked over the head by their wives and the idea died out.

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Breasts Can Become Bigger Via a Cellphone Ringtone

Speaking of smaller breasts from East Asia, it somehow seems appropriate that the inventor of the first noninvasive breast augmentation procedure that probably works, hails from Japan. For a number of years now Dr. Hideto Tomabechi has been preoccupied with 2 things: sounds and breasts, and in 2008 he combined his 2 passions into the "Rock Melon" – a ringtone which supposedly causes titties to gain in size if you just listen to it.

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Dr. Tomabechi has designed the "Rock Melon" sound to carry with it a subliminal cry of an infant child, which allegedly works on a woman's brain causing it to instinctively switch to motherhood mode, making her chest jugs fill with milk. After listening to the tone 20 times a day for a couple of days, one of the good doctor's test subjects reported her breasts grew in size by almost an entire inch!

The only question that remains is: why aren't we feeding this sound through every loudspeaker in the country?

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Sufficiently Big Melons Can Keep You Out of Prison

You would think that the only way breasts could keep anyone from doing jail-time is if that person went back to the judge's chambers and let him touch them for a couple of minutes. But luckily there are less sad examples of the twins providing legal representation in court, as was the case with Serena Kozakura.

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In 2007 Serena Kozakura, 38, was convicted of property destruction after she allegedly kicked in the wooden doors to an unnamed man's apartment and trashed it to hell. However, during a reenactment of the crime, Kozakura proved that the hole someone made in the door was way too small for her and her impressive 44-inch chest to crawl through.

Based on just that, the woman was acquitted. It's probably safe to say she will never curse her massive knockers ever again after it turned out they are her own personal pair of top notch defense lawyers. Oh breasts, is there anything you cannot do?

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